The Bleached Blond Potion
by Vitugglan
Summary: A chain reaction of Potions accidents turns Snape into a Weasley-colored redhead, and Draco into newly-blond Hermione's reluctant object of affection. Three parts, complete. Rating cautionary, due to mild language.
1. Default Chapter

_**Disclaimer**: This is a piece of fan fiction. Harry Potter and all characters, magic, events, royalties, etc., are the ideas and property of J.K. Rowling and whoever she designates to translate them to book, recording or film. I hope you'll enjoy my own take on this particular universe, even though I don't own it and didn't invent it._

It was a normal day in Potions class. The students were teamed up, working on their potions. Seamus and Neville were paired together, and Seamus was feeling the brunt of things.

Neville had knocked something into their potion that made a foul smell, and singed Seamus's eyebrows off. Professor Snape came around the tables to see what the problem was.

But Neville didn't see the professor coming. He was busy trying to wipe the residue off of Seamus's face and apologising.

"You're a menace!" Seamus screamed, and walked away.

Snape was right behind Neville. "Mr. Longbottom," he began.

Neville jumped back at the sound of Snape's voice, and ran right into the table behind him, where Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were working on their potion. The table shifted dangerously and knocked into Ron.

Ron tried to keep his balance, but his feet got tangled together and he fell, knocking a vial over on his way down. The vial spilled into the cauldron he and Hermione had been working on, and a pale puff of cloud came up.

The smell of lemons filled the room.

Ron sat up underneath the table and looked over toward Neville's work station. Fluid was dripping down onto the floor and splashing in its own puddle. A little of it hit Ron's hand. He wiped it off onto his robes and stood up.

"Oh, Ron!" Hermione said as his head cleared the top of the table, "I hope you didn't singe my eyebrows. Do you know how long it takes to get them just perfect?"

Ron looked at Hermione. It wasn't his fault he'd fallen, and he was about to tell her so, when he stopped.

Hermione's hair had turned a brilliant yellow blonde, and her school uniform was baby blue underneath her now-red robe. She flipped a strand of gleaming hair out of her face and flaunted away.

Ron turned, sensing that Professor Snape was still standing over him disapprovingly. What he saw made him nearly hit the floor again.

Whatever had happened to Hermione had also happened to Snape. Instead of seeing greasy black hair and black robes, Ron saw bright red robes topped by bright red, almost Weasley-red, hair.

But the black eyes hadn't changed a bit, and they were glaring down at Ron with a fierce, hot fire.

"Mr. Weasley. It isn't bad enough that Mr. Longbottom continually causes problems with his cloddish behavior. You don't have to add to the fracas! Damn it!"

Damn it? Since when did Snape cuss in class?

"Er, Professor, I'm sorry about... whatever it was..." But now Ron was starting to laugh. "Bloody hell, Professor! You look like one of us!"

"What!"

Snape nearly roared and grabbed at a polished metal stand that had held potions ingredients. He held it up so he could see himself, then threw it to the floor and rounded on Neville.

"What in bloody hell have you done, Longbottom?"

Neville crouched to the floor and began to whimper.

Snape's hands were twitching. "I'm going to wring your neck!" he shouted, and lunged down at the cowering, whimpering boy.

"Wait, Professor!" Harry Potter ran over and grabbed Snape's hands. "There's... there's something wrong with him! Look! He's got to go to the hospital wing!"

"Twenty points from Gryffindor! Let go of my hands!"

Ron looked around for Hermione. She should have made some comment by now. He couldn't find her at first, then when he did, his heart nearly stopped in his chest.

She was over on the Slytherin side of the room, her arms draped around Draco Malfoy's neck, her face very close to his, so close that all she had to do was pucker and she'd be kissing him. Draco was trying to shove her off, and calling for help from his two goons, Crabbe and Goyle. But they weren't about to touch her.

"Hey! Hermione!" Ron shouted, and rushed across the room, nearly tripping over a couple of people's legs as he went. He reached the couple and pulled Hermione away.

"What do you think you're doing with her, Malfoy?" he steamed. A growl escaped his throat.

"What d'you mean, what _I'm_ doing with _her_? Call off your bleached-blond bimbo, Weasley, she's getting Gryffindor germs all over me!"

Crabbe and Goyle doubled over with laughter.

Hermione puffed out a sigh. "Oh, for sure, Malfoy. Get real. You and I are the blondest people in the school. We're made for each other."

Ron goggled at Hermione. "Have you gone daft? He's a Slytherin! A Malfoy at that! What d'you mean, you two are made for each other?"

"You just wouldn't understand. You're a redhead." And Hermione linked her arm through Draco's and dragged him, protesting, away.

"That's it! That does it! Class dismissed!" Snape howled from the other side of the room. Harry was standing between him and Neville, who was still whimpering and leaning against Harry's leg.

"All right, Longbottom, clean up this mess! Right away!"

Minerva McGonagall came rushing in past the departing students and took in the situation at once.

"Severus. Perhaps the boy should be taken to the hospital wing. And perhaps you should go as well. You look rather... different. Poppy should be able to do something."

"But, what about Hermione?" Ron asked.

Professor McGonagall looked at him. "What is wrong with Miss Granger?"

"She's gone blonde!"

McGonagall rolled her eyes. Snape reached down for Neville, but the boy scooted away, prancing and looking back as the red-headed professor followed him menacingly out of the room.

"Severus! Professor Snape!"

Professor McGonagall followed the retreating figure out of the room with Ron and Harry right behind her.

"What is it, Minerva?" Snape responded testily.

"Take Miss Granger with you as well, if you can find her."

"Oh, I think he'll be able to find her," Harry said. He could see Hermione standing a little way down the corridor, Draco Malfoy trapped between her and the wall, his two henchmen, Crabbe and Goyle, standing away and watching helplessly as the blonde girl pressed against their friend.

Ron followed Harry's gaze. His fists clenched and a low growl issued from his throat.

Neville was nearly to the stairs leading out of the dungeons. Snape turned and made his way rapidly down the corridor just as Fred and George Weasley, Ron's older twin brothers, came down the stairs.

"Oh, look!" Hermione exclaimed, smiling and pointing at Professor Snape as he approached her, "It's Bat-tomato!"

"That's not funny!" Snape roared. He put his hand against Hermione's back and propelled her toward the stairs.

"Bat-tomato," she giggled, her legs churning to keep ahead of her professor. "I think I'll call you that from now on!"

The Weasley twins made way for the strange group. "Good morning, Professor Snape," they chorused, then hurried down the hallway to Ron and Harry.

"Was that Professor Snape?"

"And Hermione?"

"What happened to them?"

"And can we get in on it?"

"There's been an accident," Professor McGonagall replied stiffly. "And yes, you may get in on it, as you say, by helping me to clean it up. Just remember not to touch any of the potions that have dripped."

"Oh, we won't touch it, Professor!" George said. He and Fred gave each other a triumphant look and rushed into the classroom.

"What _did_ happen, Professor?" Ron asked, looking sincerely up into McGonagall's eyes.

"I'm not sure. Do you recall which potion you were working on just before this began?"

"We were working on one of the Comportamento potions," Harry answered. "Neville spilled his all over Seamus..."

"Then when Snape... I mean, Professor Snape, came over, Neville got scared and ran into mine and 'Mione's table and knocked me over. When I got up off the floor, 'Mione was acting really funny, and Professor Snape was all red."

Ron whimpered a little when he'd told about Hermione.

"You must have knocked something into the potion at a crucial time," said McGonagall.

"I think I did."

"Why don't the two of you go up to the hospital wing and tell Madam Pomphrey everything you can about this potion? I know Professor Snape is up there already, but something tells me he won't be much help in his current state. I'd better get inside and see what those boys are up to. Sometimes, I wonder how your mother does it!"

"This is great," Ron said as he and Harry made their way up to the hospital section of the castle. "First, Snape lets us out of class early. And now, we get to go to and talk to Madam Pomphrey instead of going to our next class!"

"How did Professor McGonagall know to come down?" Harry asked as they sped through the halls.


	2. The Bleached Blond Potion, Part 2

His question was answered when they got to the ward. Madam Pomphrey was tending to Hermione, who was reluctant to get into a hospital gown because it didn't quite bring out the blond highlights in her hair. Neville was cowering on one of the cots, nearly climbing the headboard, because Professor Snape was standing at the foot of the bed, clenching and unclenching his fists and staring red-hot daggers at the boy. Professor Dumbledore was standing next to a bed where Seamus was sitting happily, resting his head against Dumbledore's side while Dumbledore scratched him behind the ears.

"Ah, Harry. Ron. Perhaps you could shed some light on things," Dumbledore said, leaving Seamus with a treat. "We only got so far with Professor Snape before he got angry at Neville again and forgot what he was saying."

Between them, Harry and Ron explained what had happened.

"Comportamentos," Dumbledore muttered, then turned to Madam Pomphrey.

"Yes, Albus, I heard. Do you know which ingredient you knocked into the cauldron?" she asked Ron.

Ron shook his head. "I couldn't see what it was, ma'am, since I was falling over. But I think it might have been lemon shavings."

"Is there a chance that either of you noticed what was knocked into Neville's and Seamus's potion?"

Both Harry and Ron shook their heads. Then Harry noticed someone moving behind Madam Pomphrey.

"Hey! Hermione!" he shouted.

Hermione was back in her red robe and headed toward the door.

"Stop her!" cried Madam Pomphrey. Professor Snape turned around and pulled her back with a spell from his wand.

"You can't leave yet," Madam Pomphrey said, leading her back to her cot. "You've got to stay here until we come up with an antidote."

Hermione sat back down on the bed, a stubborn, bored look on her face.

"It appears that both she and Severus have been exposed to an extreme version of Comportamento Tipicalus," Dumbledore remarked. "They've taken on the stereotypical behaviors of their new hair colors."

"So, Hermione's going to act like a dumb blonde, and Snape..."

Ron turned around, his eyes wide. "Snape's going to act like everyone thinks a redhead should act like! We'd better get out of here fast, before he notices us!"

"Did Professor McGonagall get down to the Potions classroom?" Dumbledore asked.

"She was going to clean things up after she sent us up here," Harry said.

"Oh, dear. I hope she saves back a little of the spillage. We still don't know what was knocked into Neville's and Seamus's potion, and we don't know how much lemon was spilled into yours."

"If it even was lemon," Madam Pomphrey said. "Ron really wasn't sure."

"Oh, it was lemon all right, and quite a bit of it, too. It even turned their clothes a different color. Lemon reacts on hair and fibers."

Professor Snape came over, his fists still clenched, his face wrung with emotion. "I'm sorry, headmaster. I'm afraid I'm not myself today. That incompetent..."

He pointed back at Neville, still cringing at the head of his bed. Harry and Ron noticed that his hand and arm were shaking with anger.

"Yes, Severus, I understand," Dumbledore soothed. "Comportamento Tipicalus. A stereotyping potion."

Snape threw his hands into the air and seemed to beseech the heavens. "And you!" he said suddenly, rounding on Ron, "It was your blunder..."

"Now, Severus, he didn't mean to knock that lemon into the cauldron. He fell..."

Madam Pomphrey motioned for Ron and Harry to leave the ward while she went to see if she could get something to calm Snape down.

An hour later, they were sitting in their Magical History class, almost nodding off at the deadly drone from Professor Binns. Ron was still thinking about Hermione. Every so often, he would look over at the Slytherin side of the room and bare his teeth at Draco Malfoy. Malfoy, in his turn, would sneer at Ron, and his two friends would look at him threateningly.

"Get over it," Harry whispered. "She isn't being herself. It's the potion."

"It still makes me mad," Ron replied.

Professor Binns was in an extremely boring section of the text, how the Ministry of Magic came to be. Ron was nodding off, his drool puddling up on his desk. Harry was daydreaming about the Quidditch match that day after school, when there was a flurry at the door and suddenly, a blond head was at Malfoy's shoulder, two blue-clad arms around his neck.

"Get off of me!"

Ron jerked to his feet, every muscle in his body alert.

"Get your hands off of her, Malfoy!"

"You tell her to get her hands off of me! She's ruining the merchandise!"

Ron strode over to the Slytherin side of the room, his fists balled up and ready. Draco Malfoy rose to his feet, and with him, Crabbe and Goyle.

Harry ran over to Ron and tried to pull him back by his shoulders. "What are you doing?" he hissed. "They'll make minced meat out of you!"

"He doesn't have any business bothering Hermione!"

Harry looked at Hermione. She was leaning against the desk behind Malfoy, inspecting her fingernails as though nothing was going on.

"She ought to be up in the infirmary," he said.

Harry approached Professor Binns, who didn't seem to have noticed any disruption.

"Excuse me, Professor, but Hermione should be in the hospital wing. I'm sure they're looking for her. Could Ron and I take her back up?"

"Hm? What? Oh, is Miss Granger ill?" Professor Binns looked at her. "She does look a little washed out. Yes, of course you and Mr. Weasley can take her up to see Madam Pomphrey."

But Hermione wouldn't go with them. She refused to budge from her position, and even grabbed hold of Draco to keep from being dragged away.

"You'll have to take her, I guess," Harry said at last.

"What? Me?"

Hermione rested her head on his shoulder.

Malfoy sighed. "Come on, you guys. Let's get her back up to her bed and off of me!"

They left the room, Hermione still clinging vine-like to Malfoy.

"Okay, Ron. Let's..."

But Ron was staring after them, his eyes large and nearly filled with tears. A small whimper came from his throat as they disappeared around the corner, and he began to pace agitatedly.

"Ron, what's gotten into you?" Harry asked. Everyone in the class was watching them. "Come on. I think you got some of Neville's potion on you. Though how you did it..."

"It splashed on me while I was under the table. Got me on the hand. Do you think she'll still go for him once her hair's back to its normal color?"

"What'd you do with the potion?"

"What potion?"

"The potion that dripped on you in Potions class."

Ron shrugged, though he was still agitated. "I dunno. I guess I must've wiped it off somewhere."

"Come on." Harry led him down the corridor and up to the hospital wing.

Quite a sight met them when they arrived. Hermione was still hanging on Malfoy's neck. He was trying to get her off, imploring either Crabbe or Goyle to knock her away. Seamus and Neville had discovered each other, and were guarding the territories of their beds with growls and raised hackles. Professor Snape was pacing and waving his hands in the air at the far end of the room while Professor Dumbledore was trying to calm him. Madam Pomphrey was trying to get Hermione off of Draco and back into her cot.

"Oh, what is it?" Poppy groaned when she saw Ron and Harry enter.

"Ron got a little of Neville's potion on him when he fell," Harry answered. He had his hands full just trying to keep Ron from rushing Malfoy.

"Well, get him over to the other side of the room and into the bed beside Neville. Pull the screen so he can't see what's going on over on this side."

Harry took Ron to the bed, then went over to see if he could help with Hermione.

"Hi, Harry. Don't we look just wonderful together?" Hermione gushed.

"Yeah. Great. But Malfoy has to get to class. Why don't you let him go?"

"But, if I let him go, we won't be together! And we do look so well together! Don't you think?" she crooned into Malfoy's ear.

"Yeah. Look. Er, Granger, I've really got to get to class. Er, my father will be angry if I don't go. You don't want my father to be angry with... us... do you?"

Hermione reluctantly removed her arms from his neck and let Madam Pomphrey lead her to her bed.

"I don't see why I have to stay here when you're all going to class," she pouted.

"You're ill," Madam Pomphrey said.

"Yeah. Your face doesn't match your hair," Malfoy nearly grinned.

"It doesn't?" Hermione turned to Madam Pomphrey. "You've got to do something! I look terrible! You don't hate me for it, do you, Drakey?"

"Naw. Not for that," he answered. He headed for the door, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him.

"I'll see you after school," Harry said, and followed the Slytherins out.


	3. The Bleached Blond Potion, Part 3, Final

Fred and George Weasley had secreted some of the two messes into vials and put them in their robes. If there was anything they liked better than discovering a new potential joke, it had to be their mother's cooking. Since they were far from home and not likely to be there any time soon, they took refuge in their jokes.

"What do you think it's got in it?" George asked, sniffing the top of the one vial.

"Lemons, for that hint of lemony freshness," Fred replied. He opened the top of the other vial and immediately made a face.

"Hair of the dog that bit you," said George, identifying the odor from a disastrous Potions assignment in his second year.

"Otherwise, a straight Comportamento," Fred said. "Shouldn't be too hard."

"It's not that, of course..."

"It's the antidote. But that..."

"With the greasy git occupied elsewhere..."

"Shouldn't be too hard to look up!"

Dinner had been finished long ago. The twins crept down to the dungeons, avoiding the possible eye of an errant Slytherin. Students were studying, or not studying, whatever their preference, in some pretty odd places, and it was harder to get into the dungeons than to get to Snape's lab.

"You'd think they'd do their kissing..."

"Down by the lake. I didn't know..."

"Millicent Bullstrode went for..."

"A Ravenclaw, no less!"

They poked their identical heads around the door, then opened it wide and sailed in. Snape, in any incarnation, was nowhere to be seen. George closed the door and they went to the table.

"Someone's been working on it," Fred said, lifting the lid of a cauldron sitting near the edge. "Wonder if it was Snape?"

"Could be. I don't think he can really handle redheadedness. I mean, the emotions..."

"Shh!"

Someone was stomping along the hall. Fred and George pushed into some small crevasses between cupboards just as the door flew open and redheaded Snape stormed into the room. He was ranting and raving to himself, tossing his arms all about him, knocking things over as he came. He stopped about a foot from his work table and plastered his arms to his sides.

"Damned Longbottom! Curs-ed Weasley!" he fumed, and stiffly forced himself to walk calmly to the cauldron.

Fred rolled his eyes at George, who was peeking out, his existence hidden by shadows. Snape really couldn't handle being a redhead! Especially not a stereotypical one!

"Blonding!" he fumed as he leaned over the potion. "Bleaching! And damn these robes! They were supposed to be colorfast!"

George nearly fell over, he was leaning out so far. There was nothing colorfast where a Weasley was involved, if only marginally.

"Lemon shavings. An entire bottle of it! Blast that boy for having it so close to the cauldron in the first place! Fifty points from Gryffindor for that blunder!"

Snape's hands were shaking as he added just a pinch of ebon to the antidote.

"And that Granger! 'Bat-tomato' indeed! She'll have so much work that she'll never crawl out of the library again! The use of tomatoes in binding potions. How would she like that?"

A little cathair, just a touch...

"And Longbottom."

Snape tensed, then recalled himself with effort and stepped away from the table before his arms began flying once again. "Longbottom! Cursed by a wayward pratfall! The little..."

Fred and George knew all those words, they had used them against Snape time and time again. But it sounded strange to have them spurting from those twisted, sneering lips.

"I ought to send the bill for this to his grandmother. Better yet, I ought to take it out of his hide!"

Arms flailing like a bloody windmill, Snape suddenly sprang into motion and fairly flew out of the room.

"Neville's in for it now..."

"Unless Dumbledore can stop him!"

The door banged shut of its own accord and the twins crept out of their hiding places.

"Let's see what Bat-tomato has up his scarlet sleeve," George said, peering around the table. He finally found the book Snape had been using and he and Fred set to work.

_**"MISTER POTTER!"**_

Harry froze in his tracks. Snape, red hair and robes flying out behind him as he leaped over one of the beds in his rush to reach Harry's side, was bearing down on him.

"What are you doing back here again?" Snape demanded, grabbing Harry by his arm.

"I'm here to visit my friends," Harry replied, wrenching free from the steel grip.

"Visit your friends. _Visit your friends?_ Don't you have homework to do? I know you've got a lot of work to do in, say, _Potions_!"

"I just wanted to see..."

"To see what? The sideshow? Well, here it is!"

Snape turned in circles, his arms outstretched, inviting Harry to take a full, horrified look at his transformation.

"Well? Is that enough? Or do you want to see the dogfight?"

Snape made the crossing of the room in two large steps and swept the curtains aside. Neville was cowering and whimpering under his cot while Seamas growled ferociously over the edge of his bed, where he had been restrained with harness and lead. Ron was bouncing happily on all fours, his tongue hanging out, as he watched the scene in progress.

"Or, how about this?"

Another curtain, on the other side of the room, was pulled away. Hermione looked up, gave a shocked little grimace, and pulled the curtain back around her so she could finish rolling up her hair.

**_"Satisfied?"_** Snape roared as Harry backed away.

"Er, yes, sir. I mean, no, sir!" Harry stammered as his first response only made the professor glower more. "I'd better go... I've got homework to do!"

He backed up until he reached the door, then turned and raced as fast as he could back to Gryffindor Tower.

"Success!"

George put a spoon to his twin's mouth and Fred took a taste.

"Mm! Beef roast!" he said, licking his lips. "But, what if they don't like beef roast?"

"I've got something that tastes like curry."

"Fantastic!" Fred said. "Now all we have to do is get the antidote into them and dispense them up on the ward."

"This is one time I'm anxious to see Snape the way he was," said George, injecting some of the potion into a candy mold. The syrupy mixture congealed inside the setting hardtack, just barely able to be seen from the surface. "I mean, a redheaded Snape! Did you ever?"

"Wish I'd never," Fred replied.

Just then, the door swung open and Dumbledore walked in.

"There you are. I was wondering, ever since Professor McGonagall said you'd helped her clean up. Have you got anything?"

"Quite possibly. Though old... that is, Professor Snape... had it almost finished when we got here."

"We only put it into candies, so it'll go down easier," Fred added, holding up one of the nearly-hard shapes.

Dumbledore had a look at the recipe they'd been using, and asked how they knew where to take up.

"Oh, Professor Snape came in while we were here..."

"We hid so he wouldn't see us, though..."

"And added the ebon and hair. That's how..."

"We knew where to pick it up," Fred finished.

Dumbledore nodded. "It's a shame you two didn't take your studies more seriously. You'd be top of the lists if you would. Oh, well, let's get these candies up to the ward."

Hermione had changed her outfit to a Slytherin green and silver, short skirt, tight sweater, and was fighting Madam Pomphrey to get out to the Quidditch pitch before the game began.

"But, I have to root for Drakey!" she said imperiously.

"But, you have to stay in bed so you can get better," Poppy replied.

"But, Drakey..!" Hermione stretched her arms out toward the door, just as Fred and George and Professor Dumbledore came in.

"More Weasleys!" Snape exploded from the far side of the room.

"Now, Severus, they've only brought some candies to cheer you all up," Dumbledore soothed. He gave a signal to Poppy that everything was all right, and Fred and George distributed the sweets.

"Here you go, Seamas!" George called, tossing a candy into the air. Seamas leaped happily and caught it in his mouth.

"Good boy! Here you are, Neville! Come on!"

Neville stuck his head cautiously out from underneath the bed and snatched the sweet away.

"Here, Ron! Here, Ronnie-boy! Boy, I could get to like this," George said to Fred, who was laughing at his side.

Ron bounced over and lapped the candy from George's fingers.

"Good boy! Good Ronnie!" the twins both praised him, scratching behind his ears.

"Hey! I'm not your dog!" Ron exclaimed. Then he noticed where he was sitting, and stood up.

"It worked on them," Fred said as Seamas and Neville both got to their feet and began smoothing out their wrinkled robes.

"Now for the real challenge."

George approached Hermione, who was still arguing with Madam Pomphrey.

"Hermione! Sweets for the sweet," he said, and she eagerly took the candy.

"It won't ruin my figure, will it?" she asked.

"It's low-cal. Honest," Fred said, giving George a nudge. The worst was yet to come.

Professor Snape glared red fire at them as they cautiously approached. George held out the candy, and Snape grabbed it away from him.

"Thanks," he said, turning his back to them while popping the sweet into his mouth.

In a moment, the only reminders of the day were Hermione's cheerleading outfit and Snape's red robes.

"Congratulations!" Professor Dumbledore said, patting both twins on their shoulders. "You've done a magnificent job."

Fred and George were about to leave when Snape's usual low hiss filled the room:

"Messers Weasley."

The twins turned around. Snape as a redhead didn't quite have such a deadly edge.

"Were you aware that I was working on an antidote?"

"Yes, sir," George answered.

"But you seemed a little distracted..."

"So we decided to give you a hand."

"Hope you don't mind," Fred finished for the pair.

"No, I don't mind. And, I ought to thank you. But would you please stop finishing each other's sentences!"

Suddenly, Hermione shrieked.

"What am I doing in these clothes? And why do I have a picture of Draco Malfoy in my locket?"

"I really feel like a good bit of beef," Ron said, leading Seamas and Neville toward the door.

"I don't know, I feel like a curry myself," Neville replied.

Seamas stopped in the door a moment, a puzzled look on his face. "Do you think they'd let me have a bone?" he asked before running to catch up to his friends.


End file.
